I woke up three nights in a row, at 2:45 am in a panic, thoughts of diabetes torturing my mind. I don't have diabetes... yet. My mother and one of my brothers is diabetic. My grandmother was diabetic. I've been on a freight train heading toward my own diagnosis for some time now. I think that's why I was panicking during the night. But there was something odd about waking up at the same time each night, with the same thoughts flooding my mind. On the third night, I said, "Fine, I'll get up and write it down." I was unprepared for the amazing experience I was going to have while being taught by the Holy Spirit.
I quickly wrote down all my thoughts and I'm going to share them here:
Sugar is Poison. Gluttony is sin. "A long life with good health and strength is within your option to enjoy." That last quote is directly out of my patriarchal blessing. "Become holy, without spot." That is what my Heavenly Father wants for me, but my obsession with sugar (and eating in general) has been a stumbling block to holiness.
There are some specific things I've been instructed to do. I'm being asked to participate in an 18-month Lent-type fast. I'm about two weeks into it now. I can't believe how easy (most of the time) it has been to cut out sugar from my diet. I feel such a sense of personal testimony and conviction that Heavenly Father wants me to do this. I can also discern that I am being given strength beyond my natural abilities to withstand the desires to put anything into my body that could be harmful for my health long-term. I think the fact that I'm supposed to cut out sugar for 18 months must have something to do with how long it will take me to become a different person. This is not just abstinence from something-- I'm going to become that person who could "take it or leave it." I know these people. Their brains think differently. They are not slaves to whatever treat opportunity is coming next.
I'm also supposed to study the "Seven Deadly Sins" and their accompanying virtues. I'll list them here:
Lust -- Chastity
Gluttony -- Temperance
Greed -- Charity
Sloth -- Diligence
Wrath -- Patience
Envy -- Kindness
Pride -- Humility
I'm taking a Benjamin Franklin-type approach. I'll study one sin and practice its corresponding virtue for a month, then move on to a new one. I've decided to start with Gluttony, of course. I should also be studying scriptures, articles, hymns and books that emphasize the virtue and warn about the vice. I feel particularly impressed to read Dante's Divine Comedy, so I've downloaded it onto my iPad. I can't say I've started yet. Probably the most positive thing I've done is to watch the October General Conference while I sew. That has been very inspiring for me.
There are a few other things I'm being asked to do during my fast:
1. Journal writing (hence the blog)
2. Goal setting
3. Daily devotional
4. Prayer
5. Temple attendance
In return, I've been promised:
1. A change of heart
2. Help from beyond the veil
3. The love of God
As if all of this weren't an amazing witness to the love of Heavenly Father for me personally, one other word of wisdom has been impressed upon my mind very clearly. That is, I have a choice. I have been presented with knowledge and wisdom and offered promises if I choose to follow this path. But I have the choice whether to do so or not. I am not being forced, I'm not acting beyond my will, but I am living beyond my natural capabilities. That I'm sure of. I've tried so many times to change habits, go on diets, restrict my choices, etc. This feels different. I can feel the wind at my back. I can literally feel the influence of my Heavenly Father, helping me to really change. I feel happy and at peace. I used to wake up every morning feeling like a failure, because I hadn't met my goals yet. Now I feel like a daughter of God who has the best coach in her corner. I'm really going to do this, and I'm going to do it because of the gift of agency.
The Spirit's final words to me that early morning were these -- "This is good. Become holy, without spot."
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